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| Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock. "Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines shoot him." Source : http://www.funmunch.com/events/valentine/valentine_day_jokes.shtml |
Showing posts with label Valentine's Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Valentine's Jokes. Show all posts
Friday, January 25, 2008
OSAMA'S VALENTINE
Be My Valentine
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
Things not to say on your Valentine's date...
1. I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.
2. People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.
3. I used to come here all the time with my ex.
4. I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't hurt to consider it.
5. Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.
6. I like clay. It's mushy.
7. I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.
8. And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.
9. I know you said you don't eat anything with a face. But a good butcher will cut that part off for you if you ask.
10. It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.Source : http://www.basicjokes.com/djoke.php?id=1116
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The Truth Behind Valentine's Day - Past and Present
Autor: Chateau_du_Guerinet
It is not true that Valentine's day is a holiday invented by greedy greeting card companies eager to sell more stock or by candy companies to sell more chocolate, or general retailers to create more business once Christmas is over. It is easy to imagine that Valentine's Day was created by them because as soon as the stores put away their Christmas merchandise, out comes the Valentine's Day items - even though Valentine's is still more than six weeks away.
In a blink Rudolph and Santa are replaced with red ribbon and pink hearts and mass produced Valentine's Day cards in thousands of designs and sizes - large, small, serious, silly, inexpensive, expensive, musical (my least favourite because they sound so tinny) and traditional ones. Valentine's Day is the biggest single twenty hour period for florists, a huge event for greeting card companies and a boon for candy makers.
Valentine's Day began more than 1,500 years ago. According to legend, Valentine was a priest who performed marriages in continued defiance of the orders of the Roman emperor Claudius. The emperor had realized that no young men wanted to join his army and then leave their wives and sweethearts. When it was discovered that Valentine was still performing marriages in secret, he was cruelly sentenced to death.
Valentine allegedly cured the jailer's daughter of blindness and on the night before his execution, he sent a note to her signed "from your Valentine". Reportedly he died on February. 14, 269 A.D. More than 200 years later in 496 A.D., February 14 was named by Pope Gelasius to honor St. Valentine. Today more than 1,700 years have passed since the real Valentine died, and people are still celebrating Valentine's Day in a big way. A staggering 180 million Valentine's cards were sold last year.
It may never have occurred to you that Valentine's Day is a major crisis day for anyone who is having an affair. After all, Valentine's Day is the one holiday when everyone is expected to do something romantic for their spouse or lover -- and if someone has both, it's a serious problem and a logistic nightmare.
Not surprisingly then one of the most busiest groups of professionals on Valentine's Day is the private detective when their workload can quadruple. Most people figure if anything suspicious is going on it will show itself around Valentine's Day. Apparently it is a huge mistake for a cheating husband to book a business trip over Valentine's Day. It rates really highly on the scale of suspicious activity.
The competition element of what your spouse did for you on Valentine's Day is another highly disconcerting fact. Some people believe the main event is the day after when some women get together and the comparisons begin.
The competition factor can be particularly acute on the night as well if you go out for a meal on Valentine's Day - what you basically have is a collection of couples spending the whole night discretely observing each other in a restaurant, trying to reassure themselves that their relationship is less dysfunctional than the others.
Last year at a flash restaurant in London on Valentine's Day night a couple started arguing and the wife stood up, slapped the husband across the face and then stormed off in a huff. The husband composed himself, took a few more sips of his red wine and then proceeded to loudly call his mistress on his mobile. Within 15 minutes the immaculately dressed younger mistress turned up at the restaurant and sat down delighted that her lover had arranged the restaurant meal especially on Valentine's Day.
The first course arrived and then you would not believe it but guess who should walk back into the restaurant but the wife. Heated words flew, culminating in the wife pouring the rest of the bottle of red wine all over the husband's head and then the wife and mistress leaving together joined arm in arm in their thorough disgust with the sod of a man in their lives.
All this occurred whilst the other diners where sitting there quietly totally bewildered but secretly impressed with how fabulously functional their own relationship was.
The interesting twist that all came out in the newspapers the week after is that the colourful threesome were actors hired by the restaurant specifically to entertain the diners and make them feel grateful about the state of their own relationships.
This year you can avoid the actors and private detectives by stealing away somewhere quiet with your special someone. Do not whatever you do go away on a business trip over Valentine's Day, or for that matter go on a conference on the preceding or following weekend since Valentine's Day falls on a Wednesday this year.
Source: Free Articles
About the AuthorCorina Clemence runs Chateau du Guerinet, near Blois an exclusive luxury chateau for up to 15 people perfect for an intimate romantic Valentine's Day getaway. Rent a castle in France http://www.loirechateau.com Rent a french chateau
It is not true that Valentine's day is a holiday invented by greedy greeting card companies eager to sell more stock or by candy companies to sell more chocolate, or general retailers to create more business once Christmas is over. It is easy to imagine that Valentine's Day was created by them because as soon as the stores put away their Christmas merchandise, out comes the Valentine's Day items - even though Valentine's is still more than six weeks away.
In a blink Rudolph and Santa are replaced with red ribbon and pink hearts and mass produced Valentine's Day cards in thousands of designs and sizes - large, small, serious, silly, inexpensive, expensive, musical (my least favourite because they sound so tinny) and traditional ones. Valentine's Day is the biggest single twenty hour period for florists, a huge event for greeting card companies and a boon for candy makers.
Valentine's Day began more than 1,500 years ago. According to legend, Valentine was a priest who performed marriages in continued defiance of the orders of the Roman emperor Claudius. The emperor had realized that no young men wanted to join his army and then leave their wives and sweethearts. When it was discovered that Valentine was still performing marriages in secret, he was cruelly sentenced to death.
Valentine allegedly cured the jailer's daughter of blindness and on the night before his execution, he sent a note to her signed "from your Valentine". Reportedly he died on February. 14, 269 A.D. More than 200 years later in 496 A.D., February 14 was named by Pope Gelasius to honor St. Valentine. Today more than 1,700 years have passed since the real Valentine died, and people are still celebrating Valentine's Day in a big way. A staggering 180 million Valentine's cards were sold last year.
It may never have occurred to you that Valentine's Day is a major crisis day for anyone who is having an affair. After all, Valentine's Day is the one holiday when everyone is expected to do something romantic for their spouse or lover -- and if someone has both, it's a serious problem and a logistic nightmare.
Not surprisingly then one of the most busiest groups of professionals on Valentine's Day is the private detective when their workload can quadruple. Most people figure if anything suspicious is going on it will show itself around Valentine's Day. Apparently it is a huge mistake for a cheating husband to book a business trip over Valentine's Day. It rates really highly on the scale of suspicious activity.
The competition element of what your spouse did for you on Valentine's Day is another highly disconcerting fact. Some people believe the main event is the day after when some women get together and the comparisons begin.
The competition factor can be particularly acute on the night as well if you go out for a meal on Valentine's Day - what you basically have is a collection of couples spending the whole night discretely observing each other in a restaurant, trying to reassure themselves that their relationship is less dysfunctional than the others.
Last year at a flash restaurant in London on Valentine's Day night a couple started arguing and the wife stood up, slapped the husband across the face and then stormed off in a huff. The husband composed himself, took a few more sips of his red wine and then proceeded to loudly call his mistress on his mobile. Within 15 minutes the immaculately dressed younger mistress turned up at the restaurant and sat down delighted that her lover had arranged the restaurant meal especially on Valentine's Day.
The first course arrived and then you would not believe it but guess who should walk back into the restaurant but the wife. Heated words flew, culminating in the wife pouring the rest of the bottle of red wine all over the husband's head and then the wife and mistress leaving together joined arm in arm in their thorough disgust with the sod of a man in their lives.
All this occurred whilst the other diners where sitting there quietly totally bewildered but secretly impressed with how fabulously functional their own relationship was.
The interesting twist that all came out in the newspapers the week after is that the colourful threesome were actors hired by the restaurant specifically to entertain the diners and make them feel grateful about the state of their own relationships.
This year you can avoid the actors and private detectives by stealing away somewhere quiet with your special someone. Do not whatever you do go away on a business trip over Valentine's Day, or for that matter go on a conference on the preceding or following weekend since Valentine's Day falls on a Wednesday this year.
Source: Free Articles
About the AuthorCorina Clemence runs Chateau du Guerinet, near Blois an exclusive luxury chateau for up to 15 people perfect for an intimate romantic Valentine's Day getaway. Rent a castle in France http://www.loirechateau.com Rent a french chateau
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